Compassion Fatigue

August 14, 2022 - Written by Dorothy "Louise" Beasley

Compassion Fatigue, what is that? I recently read an article from an email which is sent to me daily called, www.dailymotivation.site. It was talking about Compassion Fatigue versus Burnout in people who take care of others or think others are more important and compromise their own health and well being.

They define compassion fatigue as the cost of caring for others at the expense of our own emotional and physical exhaustion. "Vicarious Trauma" which causes us to feel negative emotions around helping others which usually comes on suddenly after dealing with a particularly traumatic experience.

They defined Burnout as general overall exhaustion. Which can be caused from ongoing caregiving without any breaks or fun days of carefree living.

I have experienced Compassion Fatigue just recently when some friends and co-workers of ours left. They left suddenly after a money conflict which led to a misunderstanding of words, spoken by our boss. The co-workers got really angry and it left me feeling shell shocked at their abrupt leave taking. I had thought they would discuss what the new rules were for our jobs and then think about them and come back the following day and have a discussion with the boss. This didn't happen and so the same day as they heard the new rules, they packed up and left. It left me feeling so sad and depleted me emotionally for the next week.

I partially blamed myself as I usually acted as mediator between co-workers and the boss, however this time, I opted out of being caught in the middle of this discussion. Why did I opt out you might ask?? Well, when you play catch and the guy in the middle is not actually supposed to catch the ball, guess what happens when he does. He gets into trouble from the people at both ends, as then one of them has to go into the middle.

When 3 people are involved in a conflict, or three parties are involved in a conflict that has been going on for years, each of the three parties take on different roles within the conflict. There is a rescuer, a victim and a prosecutor, a triangle situation that carries forwards year after year, and sometimes it is working, most times, it is not a great situation and someone needs to "OPt Out" of the struggle for control. I decided in this instance that I would be the one who "Opted Out" and no longer tried to fix the situation between the boss, the disgruntled employee and his wife. As a result of not fixing the problem which arose through a communication error, lack of understanding where the boss was coming from and the boss not understanding that his words to the employee about doing/going somewhere else to work, were not actually words that said, "I'm Firing you", they were words that said "think about it for a bit, weigh out the pros and cons and if you still don't like the new rules, then you need to find another place to work." I had usually stepped in to settle things down and get the latter message across, but I was tired of doing that every time and so the employee and his wife left in an angry manner.

I felt as if the bottom had fallen out of my life as I had become dependent on that co-worker being there to help the boss get all the work on the cattle ranch done every day. Now, we were left high and dry scrambling for help to get the hay harvesting done for the next two months.

As I worked through this trauma blaming myself for the upheaval, I wanted to change the way discussions were handled and that both parties involved get the message straight without this happening. Now we were left without any help to get the work done every day. The boss took the bull by the horns, and said he could do it all, so not to be concerned about it. I was still upset about the circumstances that occurred in that our friends had got mad so fast and decided to leave right away without saying goodbye or talking about the changes first????

In the past when this kind of reaction happened and conflicting emotions arose in me, I would get so stressed out that an open wound would break out on my left ankle and then I would be in pain for the next three months. It was a sort of punishment that happened, as I would eat sweets and then not get enough sleep, eat lots of bread and gluten products which cause inflammation in the joints, then the wound would get worse and the nerve pain is totally unbearable.

I knew the consequences of this self punishment and so this time, I got help right away in the form of a friend and coach who helped me work through the traumatic experience of them leaving so soon and being so mad at the boss and me, as neither of us got so much as a goodbye from those whom we had thought of as friends and colleagues. I was also able to stop the open wounds from happening, in that I realized that the compassion fatigue I was feeling was because I felt we were more than co-workers and thought that friendship should have come first, not last in their thoughts.

I realize that emotions were running high for them and it was a traumatic experience for all of us in that they were not expecting any changes. All thoughts of friendships and waiting to discuss any other possibilities were not in the picture, because in those times of high emotions, emotions rule over any common sense or looking at things from a different view point. I was feeling compassion for them and was dumbfounded as to why they wouldn't stop and think about the changes and the new rules, and come to the conclusion the new hours were very similar to what they had already, they would have more free time and more hours after work to enjoy life. (Boss had offered them an 8 hour day X 5 day week, with two days off. They could have banked the hours off and gone for a small holiday of 8 days every month.). The only thing they heard was the Bosses' alternative solution if they were unhappy with the new rules was to go and look for other opportunities that offered them more of what they might want. The co-workers thought the Boss was firing them. Because I wasn't there to mediate or explain what the Boss was saying, the co-workers left us.

I thought about this and thought maybe it is as is should be and it is okay that the co-worker left in that he didn't trust the Boss to be looking out for his welfare, he thought the Boss no longer wanted his help and gave him a slap in the face, rather than a Thank You for a job well done. Maybe I had been the mediator for the past 6 years and it had stopped them from leaving sooner. The co-workers were not happy this past year here and so maybe my opting out as a middle man was actually a good thing. Even though this new way of thinking makes me feel a little better, I am still sad about them leaving so abruptly, but some things are out of my control and I think this is one of those things.

I stopped my ankle wound from breaking out by talking with that ankle and letting it know it was not responsible for my being stressed out. I have kept my sweet intake down, as well as gluten intake which helped with keeping the inflammation which up until now, caused the open wound to form and punished me in a painful way for the next three months.... So even though I did experience Compassionate Fatigue, I was able to begin thinking about my own well being before I went through another traumatic experience myself. Yahhhh!