Dance of Anger, Dance of Intimacy

July 12, 2022 - Written by Dr. Harriet Lerner

Women's guides to changing patterns of Intimate relationships and courageous acts for change in key relationships.

These books were an integral part of my life once I became aware of a vicious cycle called the Drama Triangle developed by Stephan Karpman, M.D. There are 3 cycles in this triangle one of which is the Victim, the second one is the Rescuer and the third part of the triangle is the Persecutor. These books taught me more about social structures which are already in place with three other people, as they interact with each other in a manipulation game. I was in one of these triangle cycles for most of my married life. My husband, his mother and myself were in this triangle and changed places as the needs arose to stay connected in this dysfunctional triangle way of living.

The Victim role is played out as "poor Me" I am the victim here. I am powerless, helpless to all things happening in my life. I was super sensitive and couldn't seem to help myself out of the rut I was stuck in.

Rescuer: The Rescuer is the Marshmallow Parent: Most times if I wasn't the Victim in this triangle I was the marshmallow parent who enabled others to walk all over me as I tried to help them out of situations I felt were not good for them. I did have strict rules, but was always giving in, so others would like me. I worked hard to help and take care of my husband, my kids, other members of the extended family, as we were in a family ranching business.

Prosecutor role is the Critical Parent role, always blaming the Victim and the Rescuer for creating more problems. This role player is rigid, has no flexible stance, it is his way or the highway. Prosecutor keeps Victim feeling insecure, blaming the rescuer for not doing enough for others.

The Drama Triangle is a no win situation on all three sides and someone needs to back out, stop the cycle from going round and round. I did back out of the original triangle that had been formed between my husband, his mother and myself, as I had been taking self development courses and became aware of the debilitating feelings that kept us going round and round year after year for 20 years. I wanted to kill myself at that point and then talked with a fellow ranch-woman who said she had been seeing a Therapist in Calgary and i could come with her on her next session and get help.

that first session began a life long journey into working on myself from the inside out, as i mentioned in the above life, a journey of discovery that we all have faulty belief systems about ourselves that we can become aware of through personal development programs and feel joy once again about our lives and the people we love.